One Tree Hill returns for one last season.
In a nutshell, Chris Keller (Tyler Hilton) returns. Heck, even Chad Michael Murray makes an appearance. (I hope he's in more than one pathetic episode) And what's up with his hairstyle, man? It seems that Nathan is gonna die. (Yeah, someone always dies. Or something really bad happens to him. Just look at how depressed Haley is.) And, Brooke has twins. (After all that she's been through, she deserves it.) I hope Hilarie Burton is back for at least one episode too, please! (For us fans!) And they bloody better give a good explanation as to why Peyton and Lucas missed Brooke's wedding. (What good reasoning is there to actually miss your Best Friend's wedding?)
Cheers to the last season of one of the best TV drama series of our decade filled with memorable quotes, underrated music and not forgetting the suspense, drama and excitement that it has provided us throughout the years.
I grew up watching this show whilst I was still a young adolescent. And even up till now, I can still find myself relating to their story lines. So One Tree Hill, here's to a great final season and thank you for all of the memories.
And not forgetting one more.....
Love you Victoria.
So you find yourself in this situation.
You are crushing hard on one of your close friends. Obviously, s/he has no clue how you feel about them. You want to tell them but you're afraid. You feel silly for feeling afraid. But can you imagine the consequences should s/he know? How it might actually put your friendship at risk?
So after much deliberation weighing out the pros and cons, you decide that it's best not to tell them.
Your eye lights up every single time you meet. You feel butterflies in your stomach. And when your eyes meet, you look away because you're shy. Conversations with s/he are endless and you never want the night to end. Even when you're out with a group of friends, all you see is him/her and nothing else matters.
You drop hints after another, even obvious ones, but s/he never seems to get it. Irregardless of that, both of you flirt a lot with each other, even to the extent of giving each other affectionate nicknames that only the both of you know.
S/he is extremely particular when loaning out his CDs for fear of it being damaged but s/he loans it to you anyway and tells you to take care of it as if it were your own. S/he never loans it to anyone else but you.
You stare at your whatsapp, waiting for a message at least because hopefully s/he is thinking about you too right now and might be sending you one shortly. What a loser, right? You get tired of waiting, so you initiate the conversation and then start feeling sorry for yourself for making the first move.
You confide in each other about almost everything when it comes to matters of the heart. You sense a tinge of jealousy from them when you mentioned that you've been seeing someone. As ironic as it may sound. But here's the thing, you do know that there is a chance that s/he likes you back but you're unsure.
Then you're told that s/he will be going on a first date with a stranger. Being the stupid person that you are, you encourage them and tells s/he to 'go for it' when you clearly meant otherwise.
From first date and eventually turning into weekly meet ups, even meeting close to midnight to have ice cream. I mean, who does that, seriously? After every date with the third party, s/he tells you that their date is amazing and s/he can't wait to see their date again.
Because you're such a spiteful person who gets jealous easily (and also partly because you're such a huge fan of Cheryl Cole and she says that "Anything that's worth having is sure enough worth fighting for."), you act like the possessive boy/girlfriend and say,
You're unsure if they're still seeing each other though chances are, they're not anymore. And you don't want to ask about it just because it might make you look like the biggest busybody.
Then you dream about s/he, which just happened to be not one of those innocent dreams. Your best friend tells you to go for it while the window is open. But you hesitate.
Do you let s/he be the one that got away? Or do you just be silly and tell? And risk being awkward around s/he forever? There could probably a chance that s/he is reading this right now and maybe, just maybe, s/he will end up making the first move. I'm a coward when it comes to making first moves.
P.s Now Olly, please come to Singapore for a gig or something. I'm beggin' you. #MURSARMYI waited so longI need to know, darling, what is on your mindNormally I try to run and I might even want to hide'Cause I never knew what I wanted 'til I looked into your eyesSo am I in this alone?What I'm looking for is a signThat you feel how I feel for you, baby, please don't let me go
“Look, I have to tell you a secret. A secret that I've kept hidden for a long time... I’ve tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside. But every day just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world. But I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t wanna fight anymore. I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.”I too, have my own fair share of secrets. Though I prefer to keep most of it to myself until I think I'm ready to talk about it, I do share some of them with close friends and family members. Because keeping secrets inside of you for far too long - It slowly kills you.
"Everyone has secrets, Santana. They're called secrets for a reason."
The last time I shared a secret with a friend nearly killed our relationship. Heck, I was supposed to feel relieved for telling them because they are a huge part of my life and they deserve to know what it is I'm hiding from them. Most of the time, I don't seek for acceptance. But I felt afraid because for the first time in my life, someone else had the upper hand in our relationship and whatever he/she does next could either make or break my life for good.
But I'm glad it's all good now. And watching Glee? It really gets me sometimes. This time 'round, it hit a nerve because I could relate to the situation so well, it's a little scary.
Though it took me a lot of pain and trouble to realize that sometimes, Ignorance is Bliss. And secrets are called as such for a reason and never was I going to put myself in the same situation ever again. At least not any time soon.
Though many might think that our horoscopes defines us for the person that we are, I think it's the other way around, considering that I have met other fellow Scorpios and they exhibit traits that are similar to mine thus making several encounters to be quite unpleasant. When we get along, we become the best of friends but when we have a disagreement, oh boy get your knickers ready for another World War is bound to happen.
Being a Scorpio, I am a very stubborn, willful and an extremely determined person. I know what I want (most of the time) and I make sure that I get it. I tend to have high expectations of everyone around me and their opinions about me (and end up worrying if I don't meet their expectations). God bless to my future partner who decides to spend the rest of their life with me, because even I can't stand my own behavior at times.
I had a conversation with a friend, who just graduated from QUT, the university where I intend to further my studies at once I am done with National Service (in just a few months time!). Though millions of questions were asked, I was just seeking advice from her, mainly because I wanted to know what to expect before I do reach there eventually.
Here's what she had to say about Scorpios.
"One of the reasons why you're asking this many questions (which is good!) is because it helps you to deal with the 'unknown'. And one other piece of advice that I could give you - Don't take it too hard on yourself. Knowing that you're a Scorpio, I know you take it really hardly when you don't meet your own and others expectation. Control is the biggest trait of your element. Use it."It's like she knew me inside out! Even though I accused her of stereotyping Scorpios, (Here's her take on Scorpio people on her blog.) it's true! I am all that. I never knew I liked to be in control in most situations. So I wrote down the things I do that could probably define me as the 'Control Freak'.
I'm the kind of personSo I guess being in control in most situations reassures me. It doesn't hurt to be one step ahead of everyone else all the time, does it? And when things are not in my favor? I tend to panic. A LOT. Might even get extremely dramatic. Or even run away. And I don't appreciate people acting on decisions without discussing it with me first.
… who likes to hold the remote control while I'm watching the television. (and when I don't, I can't help but to worry someone might just switch channels while I'm in the midst of watching my favourite show)
… who plans ahead in almost everything I do. (Let's see. I started planning for my 21st birthday since a year ago. And I picked my group mates for my third year studies in Mass Comm while everyone else is happily enjoying their two months semester break.)
… who has high expectations of what people think about me. (It's not that I worry about not being liked or popular, I just don't like it at all when people misinterpret my intentions me and give judgement on the things I do.)
… who sets up a calendar schedule on what TV shows to watch every single day. (Who else actually does this?!)
I'm quite freaked out by my behavior now. Haha.
The next time you're ever considering in getting into a relationship with a Scorpio, make sure it's worth the risk (and know what you're getting yourself into) or you'll end up getting pinched most of the time. We dominate most of the relationships we're in and we get extremely angsty when we do notice something that could potentially threaten the relationship.
But hey, I'm a Scorpio and I know I'm definitely worth the risk. So, go on and take a chance with me. Heh. Because what would hurt you the worst will love you the most, as long as you can tame the Scorpio inside of me.
And who knows, I could let you be in control once in a while, whenever I feel like it.
Farhana was different from other girls. There was something special about her that I just can't describe. For a woman, she actually has broad shoulders and her behavior could be described as a tomboy. Her face radiates happiness every single day, it was almost as if she was glowing. But I know one things for sure, I am definitely not attracted to her at all. Plus, she has a doting boyfriend and she was way older than me. I'm guessing a good 7 years difference. I exceptionally loved how she never fails to wear a scarf of different colors 'round her neck every single day.
She has a flair for art and is an extremely talented graphic designer, who was very good at multitasking - something which I am not so good at. I got to know her while I was on internship at a local publishing company 4 years back. Since it was the month of Ramadan (The fasting month), both of us would be stuck in the office during lunch time and I'd be seated right next to her, watching every single thing she does on the computer while she does her work and she'd be sharing her life story with me at the same time. Talk about multi-tasking, this girl is a pro.
Being the oldest in her family, she had to give up her true passion which involves teaching art to little kids and work (which she did over the weekends), just so that she could support her family financially. She shared photos of her family with me, especially one of her younger sister. "My younger sister is as annoying as you. You should get together with her sometime!", she'd tease occasionally. And my reply would always be the same, "Eek! She's not pretty la!"
Once I was done with the internship, we lost contact for a while. I didn't manage to snap a photo with her on the last day of my internship, as she was sick and had to stay at home. Little did I know, that would have been the last time I'd see her in my life.
Two years later, I received one of the most unexpected phone call.
"Amirul. Do you still remember Farhana?"Words could not begin to describe how I felt at that point of time. My mind, which was previously occupied with deadlines to meet for my Advertising Project was now flooded with memories I had with her while I was interning at the publishing company. I just stopped whatever I was doing and was left completely stunned. It was so sudden. She didn't deserve it. But why? - The question that filled my mind because she was one of the nicest girls I've ever known and God had to end her life just like that.
"Of course I do! How is she?"
"She has just passed away."
Truth is, she had been battling a leukemia-related kind of disease for the past two years and no one knew about it. She was even on television on a show called LifeWatch. (Of course,I missed it because let's face it - Who watches TV nowadays?) As I watched the video clip of her struggle, I slowly wished for a miracle to happen, which unfortunately did not happen. It's like you're watching one of your favorite TV Shows and someone spoiled the ending for you and you chose not to believe him simply because you didn't want it to be true. If there ever was a time I wished for happy endings in a movie, that was it.
The start of December marks her birthday & her Facebook wall was flooded with messages from friends, family members and it all seemed so surreal. It's saddening to see messages from her loved ones who's still in disbelief that she's not here anymore. She may not be alive and kicking but the memories and the conversations I've had with her? That'd definitely last a lifetime, no matter how short it was.
Rest in peace Farhana.
Labels: Daily Musings
Because creating a playlist for someone can be quite taxing. You can't just put all of your favorite songs into a list and hope that the person you're giving it to will love it. You've got to make sure that every song will flow seamlessly with the next track. You've got to make sure that you limit it to 15 - 20 songs max. (There's a reason why every album only has that amount of songs! And it's definitely not because of the lack of space!)
I've created playlists for friends, family… but mostly for myself. And I've always envisioned myself creating a playlist for someone special in my life.
So hello to my future partner out there, this playlist is for you. I don't know when or how I'll be meeting you but I hope when that day happens, you'll eventually find this playlist of mine and I hope you enjoy it. (I sound a bit psychotic, er I know.)
1. My Life Would Suck Without You - Kelly Clarkson
2. I Want You To Want Me - Brooke Elliott
3. Fallin' For You - Colbie Caillat
4. Please Don't Let Me Go - Olly Murs
5. If You're Not The One - Daniel Beddingfield
6. Do You Remember - Aaron Carter
7. A Thousand Miles - Vanessa Carlton
8. All About You - McFly
9. Invisible - Clay Aiken
10. Crush - David Archuleta
11. Terrified - Katharine Mcphee
12. What Took You So Long - Emma Bunton
13. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls
14. Mi Chico Latino - Geri Halliwell
15. All I See - Kylie Minogue
16. Forever And A Day - Kelly Rowland
It's a fast read. And I'm halfway into the book already! And I just wanted to share this quote with all of you mainly because one day you'll need it. And when that day comes, this quote will be here for you, just like it did for me right now, especially when I'm going through a few problems at the moment.
"Emotional wounds are the same. sometimes these wounds do not heal because the mind gets all involved and says things like, "I should do this and I'll feel better," or "Maybe I could do that to repair the damage," or "I am hurting because of what another person did, and once they fix it, I will feel better."P.s There's so many other good quotes, but let's leave that.. till next time. ;)
All of this mind talk just interferes with the natural healing process. when you feel deeply hurt, you have everything you need in yourself to repair the damage. You want compassion, understanding, and nurturing in order to heal. But most of all, you need time.
When I am in a dark tunnel, I want to be with people who love me enough to sit in the darkness with me and not stand outside telling me how to get out. I think that's what we all want.
When you are hurt, be close to people who love you and who can tolerate your pain without passing judgement or giving you advice. As time passes, you will long less for what you had yesterday and experience more of what you have today."
It has been four years since R&B Songstress, Kelly Rowland, last released her sophomore album, Ms. Kelly, and here she is, finally, all geared up for her latest offering come July 26th.
Despite all of the countless push backs and delays, Kelly Rowland pretty much had a fantastic year going for her ever since she danced her way to the top of the UK Charts with 'When Love Takes Over', a track she collaborated with DJ David Guetta back in 2010. Since then, she has been producing a string of Top 10 hits in the UK (Commander, Forever And A Day & What A Feeling) and her success has earned her a position as a judge in The X Factor UK.
Her previous efforts may not be worth mentioning with the exception of 'Dilemma' and after much experimentation, Kelly Rowland has finally found her distinctive sound in the industry. Gone are the days when Kelly used to live in the shadows of Beyonce, her ex-bandmate from Destiny's Child.
Unlike her past efforts that did nothing but bore me to death, 'Here I Am' has the perfect blend of Soul, R&B and Dance music and features a different side of Kelly. She's a much more confident singer this time 'round as she sings on the album-opener, 'I'm Dat Chick', on which she brags "Yeah I be the one that they love to mention." But she's still as sexy and sensual as ever (I still can't get over her provocative music video for her hit single, 'Motivation') and her vocals never sounded this good before.
'Here I Am' is filled with plenty of great tracks that's bound to keep you listening to the album over and over again. I love songs with a great piano hook and that's probably the reason why I fell in love with the track 'Feeling Me Right Now' almost instantly, in which she sings about falling in the club and realizing her self-worth. Really interesting lyrics, Miss Kelly. Though this song could easily be mistaken about Kelly singing about another girl she met at a club. She sings in the beginning, "Oh you're just my type, baby" and that kinda scares me a bit.
All in all, this is a perfect album. The addition of Commander and Down For Whatever (Feat. The WAV.s) may be awkward on paper, but it seems to mix seamlessly with the rest of the other tracks in the album. I'm not gonna complain. Though if I had the choice, I'd replace Big Sean with Missy Elliot on the track, 'Lay It On Me'. It's still good. But why settle for good when you can get something that is brilliant?
Go get Kelly Rowland's 'Here I Am' album (July 26th) 'cos right now she commands you to! I know I'll definitely be getting my copy! And hopefully Kelly Rowland finally gets the success she deserves with this release.
Other standout tracks: Down For Whatever (Feat. The WAV.s), All Of The Night (Feat. Rico Love), Lay It On Me (Feat. Big Sean)
Who saysI'm now a fan. I love songs like this. Such a feel-good kinda song that is all about accepting who you really are as a person and the fact that you are beautiful in your own way, no matter what other people say. Because you are worth it. Love yourself.
Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting
Don't you think it's a bit too early for me to be asked THIS question?
I'm only turning 21-years-old this year and there's still so many things I've yet to do and accomplish. Though I am still serving the nation during this time, I've only just begun to explore what's in store for me.
Though for the past 20 years of my life, I just wished I was a much more confident as a person just so that people won't find me to be a pushover. I wished I was much more focused on my talents when I was younger. I wished I had the courage to speak up in class. I wished I didn't bother too much about what other people thought of me.
And I guess that's it.
Who knows, maybe I'll revisit this question in another 30 years time. (Or sooner, if the list is way too long.)
And maybe then, I'd have plenty of things to write about.
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth
"In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realise who matters, who doesn't, who never did and who always will. So don't worry about the people from your past, there's a reason they didn't make it to your future."
Quoting Melanie C's latest single, 'Think About It', "You only regret the things that you don't do. Do what you want to!". And that's exactly what I've been trying to do. I've done quite a number of stupid things in the past. I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from doing those stupid mistakes, but then again it is those 'mistakes' that defines me for who I am right now.
I came here to talk about the naughty things that I've done in Primary school and how I've gotten away with it most of the time. Some of it involves.. Skipping classes, Leaving home early without anyone knowing, Stealing from the book fair every single time (and each time I did, I promised myself that I'd return the money or the book in the future.. one way or another), Jeopardizing a science project that belonged to this guy that I disliked, Vandalising the school walls with a black spray can and there's probably more where that came from but I do not wish to incriminate myself so I'll just keep hush about it. Hah!
But there's something else.
Something that I'm rather shy to talk about;
After the first (I was blushing), I looked up and said, "You know..You're my first kiss."But was it that perfect? How is having someone slobbing all over your mouth with so much saliva and a lot of lip biting considered perfect or even a great kiss? Not that great, if you asked me.
The reply I got was, "It was perfect."
I've always dreamt of how my first kiss would be like and how romantic it'd be. Maybe we would be sitting under the moon, doing nothing but staring into each other's eyes. We'd be talking but we'd be kissing each other.. without even touching each other. Cheesy, much? I'm such a girl when it comes to these kinda things but I just wanted it to be perfect. (Perfectionist, much?) I blame it on all of the romance movies that I've watched and the romance-themed novels that I've been reading. I blame you.
I wish I hadn't given my first kiss up that easily. Here's why: You never ever forget your first kiss ever. And you never forget the person whom you did it with. Where it happened. How it happened. The events leading to the first kiss. Omg. It's too much.
At that point of time when it happened, it definitely felt perfect and how everything was falling in to place. So yeah, you fall in love and you can't help it after going on numerous dates with that someone, you decided it's time.
Thinking about it now and as ridiculous as it may sound, I felt like my mouth was sexually violated. I hated my first kiss. I definitely wasn't ready yet. In fact, I felt like it was quite forced. I wish it hadn't happened too soon.
I'm not saying that you should not have your first kiss happening too soon. But sometimes, when your body tells you that you are ready for it, just know that it's lying. It's a mistake.. waiting to happen. In this kind of situations, your heart knows better than your body.
But at least I'm glad that the people whom I've kissed have all complimented me on being a great kisser.
Taken from Songmeanings.net, this user took the words right out from my mouth. Reading his interpretation of the song.. makes me fall in love with the song even more. Because I can relate to it so well.
I just heard this song recently and I love it. It's so simple but so true. To me, it's about that guy that you thought you were in love with but through his actions you knew you could never love someone with his character. You were really upset at first and you wanted him to prove to be the guy you thought you were falling in love with but he never does. You then meet another guy who is so amazing and shows you what it is to really love someone. He just makes you smile and you can't stop. You realize that if the first guy had never messed up you would probably still be with him and would have missed out. In that sense you got lucky because "you dodged the bullet". You are actually glad that the original guy turned out the way he did. You were a beautiful and wonderful girl that would have done anything for him but he never got all of you because he messed up pretty big over and over "you turned out to be the best thing I never had. And I will always be the best thing you never had." He will always have to live with the fact that he lost you and in that essence it " bet it sucks to be you right now."
I never had that many (or in fact any) Best Friends in my life. Or even if I did, most of them walked out on me, which leaves me wondering as to why I even regarded them as a best friend in the first place. Random thought: Do best friends walk out on each other?
Best friends may argue and fight with each other all the time. But don't they always kiss and make up with each other at the end of the day? This is probably accurate up to 90%, according to me. Ha!
At present, the only best friend I have is Kristel. We'd tell about everything to each other and we could just spend the time sitting down and talking for hours. You know you are best friends with a girl when you know the size of her bra without even asking. Haha! And no, I swear I did not rummage through her closet in her bedroom.
I first knew her while we were both working at Haagen Daz. At that time, I had just transferred out from the outlet at Raffles (they shut it down, those idiots.) and was a "newbie" at the Tampines outlet. She was one hell of a bossy bitch! And a sarcastic one, to add to it. Haha! She'd assume I'm terrible at doing things and would talk about me behind my back. I did the same too.. though not behind her back because I'm a daring one until I realised she understood Malay and that was funny.
But funny how everything turns out, doesn't it?
We can read each other's minds and complete each other's sentences.
We both share similar tastes in everything! She watches the same TV shows, listens to mostly the same music as I do and loves Glee with a burning passion like I do.
We're not afraid to scold or scream at each other whenever one of us does something wrong. We don't argue.. we just umm debate whenever we have a clash of opinions.
We're both bitches. I mean, really. If there ever was a female version of myself, it'd be Kristel. We're not afraid to voice out our opinions whenever the situation requires it.
Even though we are both separated by distance at the moment, I still call her up regularly just to check if she's okay and to fill each other with the latest news about ourselves.
Hell. I'd probably do the most logical thing that every other best friend would do:
Of course I was just joking.
Who cares about what we had fought about? Our friendship is far too precious to let my pride and ego stand in the way. I'd definitely rush to the hospital as fast as I can just to see if she's okay because if she wasn't okay, I wouldn't forgive myself for having a fight with her before that.
And if she is indeed okay, I'd tell her...
P.s I love my best friend. You go Glen Coco!
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth
Quoting from GlamBeckhams, here's the reason as to why her new baby is named as such.
Exclusive: A source very close to Beckhams has informed GlamBeckhams blog that the name Harper is because they liked the name and Seven because the baby was born in July and at around 7am. It is also a lucky and spiritual number.
P.s In another few days time, it will be Melanie B's (Spice Girl Bandmate) turn to conceive. I'm hoping she gets a boy this time round! Heehee.
I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
I bet it sucks to be you right now
I know you want me back
It's time to face the facts
That I'm the one that's got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye
This song has been on repeat mode for the past few days.
I feel like such a loser trying to sing my heart out to this song, especially the chorus near the end, in which she belts out.. "Oh I used to want you so bad! I'm so through with that!" It's like you can feel whatever she's feeling when she's singing that song. Don't mind me. I'm like an empath. I can emote so well to songs, especially the painful ones.
Beyoncé has the song of my life at present.
Labels: Song Of The Moment
I actually felt guilty for accidentally reading his text message.
He had received that text.. plenty of times. And I ignored it every single time until I decided to poke my nose into the matter, being the busybody that I am. I was extremely curious as to find out what his friend meant when he sent him that message.
So I asked.
"Who's this crazy guy, asking you if you'd wanted to go to heaven tonight?" I asked.. before finally realising that I actually sounded like one of those crazy, possessive boyfriends that my girlfriends had so I added,
"Please tell me you're not committing suicide, right?" as a joke.
But I wasn't exactly joking at that point of time.
He laughed and replied, "Oh.. that. It's really nothing" like as if it was not that big of a deal in the first place and tried to change the topic of our conversation but of course I didn't let him.
"Well, aren't you gonna reply him?"
At this point of time, I really knew I shouldn't approach the matter any longer. But I did. And I kinda got on his nerves. You could tell.. from the tone in his voice.
"I will.. once you stop interrogating me."
Then he added, "I can't believe how naive and ignorant you really are. He simply wanted to know if I had wanted to get high tonight."
"You? Drugs? I can't believe you do drugs." I said to him, while giving him the judging look.
"I don't do drugs. Well, not anymore at least. I've stopped."
I didn't believe his story. And I haven't been talking to that friend ever since. He's quite of a messed up kid and there's nothing much I could have done to help him unless he was willing to help himself.
Because I've seen how drugs can ruin people's lives.. just like that - How it can shatter a perfect family into pieces. How someone can just shit all over the place because he/she lost all ability to control the muscles in his/her body.
But you've gotta give credit to where it's due. A person taking drugs is an expert at the game of hide-and-seek. He can hide the drugs in places that you'll never have thought of - The inside of a television set or even a pipeline.
I know and understand the rationale as to why some people choose to get high.
And if you choose to do it, be prepared to face the consequences and lose everything you have painstakingly built in your life since years ago. (Kinda makes jail-term punishment sound pretty juvenile, doesn't it?)
So I'll never take drugs.
And I hope none of my friends does too because I love them.
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth
Waited patiently for two hours before it was finally my turn to be taught by my Ustazah*. (A term we used to address our religious teacher).
I used to remember it being a very dreadful routine that I had to endure every single day after school hours. It doesn't matter if you had remedial lessons, CCA or other appointments once school ended. Because in the eyes of my Ustazah, no excuse is ever good enough for skipping any religious lesson.
On certain days, I'd learn how to read the Arabic language, word by word, phrase by phrase. We'd each be given a small book, in which we'd use to write the Arabic alphabets over and over again. (More than 100 times per alphabet so that we'd never forget.)
On other days, I'd be taught on how to pray to our god. If you're good, you'd be given a packet of drink and a chocolate swiss roll. If you're not, you'd be asked to stay back even longer and she'd make sure you learn whatever you're supposed to learn for the day.
And while you're waiting for two hours, you're expected to do nothing but read your Qur'an.. over and over again even if your butt went numb or you felt like urinating. Everyone in the room was silent. Some even fell asleep with their Qur'an covering their face. Nobody dared uttered a word or two. We feared our Ustazah. Or at least I did.
Because in the eyes of my Ustazah, I could have probably been her worst student ever.
I have been called to stay back plenty of times. "I feel that you have come for religious lessons for all the wrong reasons. Instead of studying and gaining knowledge about the religion of Islam, you're here yapping your mouth away. Go sit at the corner there and bring your Qur'an as well and do some self-reflection." was what she'd said to me on one occasion.
For two hours, I just can't sit still. I guess she expected me to keep mum for the entire 2 hours of wait before it was finally my turn to be taught by her.
I eventually stopped going for religious classes. Probably as an act of rebel or maybe I had just gotten lazy. I assume my Ustazah was overjoyed the moment I stopped going for lessons, as there wasn't anyone for her to scold and nag. But I was glad for my two hours of waiting is now over. I was finally free.. like a bird finally released from its cage.
I make my Ustazah sound like a mean person. But she did teach me a lot of things though most of it went in from one ear and out of the other ear. From what I've learnt from my Ustazah, there are certain things that you're encouraged to do.. and some that you're not supposed to do. It's like as if my own religion came with its own set of instruction manual. Whether you choose to follow it or not.. is a whole different story altogether.
Being a Muslim boy, I am expected to...
- Perform my daily ritual solat prayers, 5 times a day.
- Go to the mosque every Friday for prayers. (And if you don't, you're not considered a Muslim no more.)
- Learn the Arab language, because our Holy Qur'an is written in that language.
- Starve myself for 30 days (We call this fasting) before we have our Eid celebration at the end of it.
- Consume only non-alcoholic water and avoid Pork.
- And the list goes on and on. (You can't expect me to write everything here right? I might as well paste the entire Qur'an here if that's the case. Joke.)
Then, we have prayers for almost everything. It's ridiculous by how many prayers we have to memorise in our head. We recite our prayers before we eat or go to sleep, whenever we enter the toilet, when we are stressed, when we have misplaced something, when we step out of the house, even before we have sex (yes, can you believe it?!) and etc.
That's the thing about religion.
It makes us so paranoid about everything that we resort to prayers. Like, when we don't know what else to do, we pray. Does it help?
To put it simple, If you're broke, you can keep on praying for money to drop from the sky. (I wish it was that easy, really!) Or you can get your ass out there and get a proper job for yourself that allows you to earn a stable income for yourself, resolving all of your problems.
And that.. is my take on my religion. Thoughts?
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth
When was the last time I did some online shopping?
I've been looking through ASOS.com for the past few weeks and I have finally decided to give in to the temptation. Stuff were going for 20 pounds and even lesser.
1. Because it is so effing cheap!
2. I deserve some new stuff after all the mental torture I've been put through here.
I believe those two reasons are good enough for me to indulge in some online shopping, which is why I am planning to get the two items above. I'm really lovin' the stripe hooded long sleeve t-shirt. I'm getting it in S size, most definitely!
And the bag? How can you not love it? It matches with my current laptop bag. Stunning. Can't wait to wear it out!
Price for both items altogether? 30 pounds. (Which is equivalent to S$60. Such a steal right?!)
The irony of it all is that I'm willing to splurge $S60 on these stuff but I am not willing to spend $70 on a proper macbook cover. I will consider. Gosh.
Can't wait to get these items! Will be making delivery to my friend's house and he will bring it back to Brunei for me. Can somebody say... AMAZING please?
Labels: Daily Musings
I can't imagine having muscles and my veins popping out of most parts of my body. It's uh... disgusting. But I've come to realise that muscles look so much nicer than uhm.. fats bulging out, right?
Lifting weights is so tiring and definitely not an enjoyable experience. Especially the aftermath. If I ever had a choice, I'd choose all the light ones, which reminds me of what myself and my BMT bunkmates would do back then. We'd set the weight limit to the lightest as possible and then give the most painful facial expression ever. People bought it. We deserve plenty of Oscar awards for that. Come on.
Running is the only reason I go to the gym. Be it slow or fast. I don't care, as long as I run. Run like a mad cow, as what my friend would say. Hell, I'd run all my fats off!
But lately for the past month, I have found myself being unable to do any pull-ups once again. And so, that became the new reason that motivates me to go to the gym on every off day. Because I don't want that to be the reason for me failing my IPPT. -cringe- I didn't even used to bother about IPPT. -shrugs-
I'm grateful for my bunkmate who has been patiently training me for it so that I am able to do it once again. One hour in the gym on every off day. I think that's more than enough for me. And I think, hopefully by the next IPPT, I'm able to do it.
And well, if I ever had a personal gym trainer, I think he'd probably give up on me. Simply because...
I'm a very whiny person. "One more set? Stop cheating my feelings. Oh come on."
I'm a very lazy person. I don't exactly find doing repetitive sets that enjoyable. It's tiring.
So hello to my future partner out there (if you ever are reading this right now)! You better be appreciating that I am doing all of these because I'm doing this for you. Hah!
But right now. My muscles are aching. I can't straighten my arms. Stretching my body brings me so much more pain than pleasure.
All I wanna do right about now is just lie in bed and do nothing.
Labels: Daily Musings
Have been feeling very emotional as of late.
Trying to force out a smile but I'll look ridiculous, as much as I try.
Is there someone out there who's able to make me smile? Or give me a reason to smile? Because I really miss the happy-go-lucky, always full of smiles kind of guy that I used to be before I was thrown into this hell hole, the place where I'm at right now.
Vaguely. But vividly enough for me to remember. It was on our Secondary School's CCA (also known as Co-Curricular Activities) Open House day. You were with my sister, encouraging the freshies (I was a freshie back then) to join Band, the CCA that both of you call home.
My sister introduced us to each other. And then you said, "Join band! Like your sister!" A few other words were exchanged and just like that, a new friendship was forged - 9 Years Ago.
And that was how two strangers became acquaintances.
I'd always bump into you in school where we'd exchanged Hi's and Bye's with each other. Together with my sister (because my parents never allowed her to go out on her own without me), we'd always go out for lunch and sometimes even a movie. It was through the conversations that you had with my sister that I slowly found myself getting to know you more and more slowly.
We'd hang out at the nearest community centre to your place to use the internet there. (Also because it was the cheapest hah!) Sidetrack note: And that was how I found myself blogging.. and started finding my love for designing.
You were such a nerd. Always drowning yourself in novels that you borrowed from the library. The books that you read always had a heart-shaped icon at the spine, signifying that it was a romance novel and I found it ridiculous that you folded the pages with the steamy reads just so that you could read it over and over again and fantasizing about it in your mind.
What I didn't tell you then: I loved reading too. I was always going to the library on my own after school and spending hours there just reading because no one was at home and it was the library that I could seek solace from. And when I saw my sister (at times), I'd run away for fear that she'd call me a stalker. (Which she obviously did, saying I got nothing better to do than to follow her.)
You were always the cool one. It was cool telling people that I know you. At least people thought I was cool for knowing you. And we started talking to each other on the phone about school, gossip and other nonsensical stuff. Then on friendship day (also known as Valentines Day), you gave this bead bracelet to me. "I didn't know what else to get for you. I hope you like this.", you said. I liked it a lot. And I never left the house without it whenever I went for meet-ups.
While I was busy mugging for my O Levels, you, along with my sister and a few others organised one of the best birthday celebration I've had in years. I was still in my bed when everyone came in and shouted, "Surprise!" Thank god I wasn't drooling the night before and was properly dressed. Haha!
We too, did go all the way to your house just to surprise you on your birthday. There you were, all clad in your pyjamas and probably ready for bed, you must have found all of us to be really annoying. And we would celebrate everyone else's birthday, those in the gang. It was fun, those random meet-ups.
Remember when we first went to karaoke together? It was crazy fun. Our voices weren't exactly pleasing to the ears, to say the least but it was hilarious. Until it became the reason that you were brought to the hospital because you were jumping around in the karaoke room and hit your leg against the table.
I laughed. That was my initial reaction. "Stop it la and stand up!" I said. But you weren't joking. You had indeed fractured your leg and it was a panic frenzy for all of us, as we had to rush you to the nearest hospital, even if that includes raising our voices at the taxi driver uncle or anyone else that stood in our way. And that was the point I told myself, "Look around. These are gonna the friends that you can depend on this friendship that all of us had: It was real. They are the ones I'm gonna be the closest with in many years to come." - 4 Years Ago.
On the first day of my tertiary education, I was lost and had no one to accompany me for lunch. Thank god you were there and you rang me up just in time. "Hey! How's your first day?!" You said enthusiastically. "You wanna go for lunch? Now's my lunch break! I'll meet you at SIM?" I probably never told you that.. but I was so grateful towards you because eating alone is just social suicide.
And we'd sometimes go back home together (I'd wait for your classes to end and vice versa), whenever I felt like taking the bus back home and we'd spend the time talking on the bus about our day, laughing over silly stuff or updating each other on the latest movies or gossip.
People who didn't know us would think that I like you (and I meant in a way such that it is more than a normal friend usually would). But that would be so wrong in so many ways. You are like the sister I wished I had, always looking out for me. I'm sure you'd care for me the same way my sister would towards me. Harbouring special feelings towards you would just be.. incest and so wrong in so many ways.
Remember how I'd always tease you. Of your crushes and ex-boyfriends. Telling you secret fantasies that you'd wish to share with your future boyfriend. Like kissing in the rain. Or describing the first kiss. Or planning the most romantic date ever. I am so full of shit, I know. But we all know that Singaporean guys are NEVER that romantic, don't we?
Now. One year ago.
You finally found yourself a boyfriend. I was so happy for you and every single time we met, I'd ask you, "So when are you introducing him to us?" But you never did.
I should be happy for you. I am happy for you. Because for an amazing girl like you, you deserve someone special in your life. You deserve someone who likes you the way you are. Someone who likes you because they think your laughter is adorable. Someone who likes you for the way you tap their shoulder for making a joke out of you. Someone who can make you feel that you can be yourself and that you'd never had to change to accommodate to his liking. Someone who likes you for the way they think you flick your hair or play with your hair when they're having a conversation with you is adorable.
But little did I know, you started distancing yourself away from me and the rest of the gang. It was always, "Sorry! I can't make it! I have plans! Next time, okay!"
When I found out that I was gonna be enlisted into NS soon...
Me: Let's meet for the last time before I enter NS!
You: I can't make it! You guys go ahead without me okay!
When I finally graduated from my Basic Military Training...
Me: I'm on break for one whole week! Let's go Ramen Ten.
You said okay. But my sister and I got so frustrated waiting for you. We ordered our food first. Our food arrived and we were even done with it. As we stood at the cashier, making our payment, getting ready to go back home, you finally made an appearance. That was how late you were. Because you were meeting your BF before.
When I finally got wind of the news that I was to be posted in Brunei...
Me: Let's meet before I leave for Brunei.
You: I've got work on that day. I can't change my schedule. I'll meet you separately on another day?
Yeah we did meet. You treated me to a meal at Fish and co. We snapped a few photos. And you said, "Don't tag me in the photo. My BF doesn't know I'm meeting you."
When I was back in Singapore for a short while a month ago, I admit I was quite hesitant to even ask you out because you were always cancelling out on us. And I don't even think you knew I was back in SG. Not a word of your text or a phone call did I receive from you.
Me: I'm meeting the rest on Sunday. I hope you can make it.
You: I got plans! I'll meet you another day?
Did you even know that there was NO OTHER DAY? Because I'm on a flight back to Brunei the very next morning? I admit I am selfish. But couldn't you shelve whatever plans you had on that day just for me? A close friend of yours that has stuck with you through thick and thin for the past 9 years? You could meet your friend the following week, but as for me? You can't do that because I wouldn't be in Singapore any more.
I was so hurt and left Singapore with such a heavy heart. But what hurts even more was when you tweeted, "Meeting my friend from Scotland who's in Singapore for a vacation!!!"
That was the last straw. A friend from Scotland whom you've probably known in a short while gets time with you and I don't. Don't I deserve a single minute of your time? Or even a single call or sms saying, "Hey! Welcome back to Singapore!" You said that he went all the way to your workplace just to meet you. What bullshit is that? Do I have to do the same just to meet you?
Harsh words were exchanged after that and we had a heated conversation. I initially did not want to say anything, for fear or breaking the friendship that we have built of almost a decade now. But I realised this.
Sure. Relationships are broken most of the time because of words left unsaid. But if it's gonna break anyhow, why don't you just say it? Which was why I acted the way I acted.
Your BF was intimidated by me. He was jealous of how close we were. He didn't like the way we took photos together. He didn't like me putting my arms around you even though it meant nothing at all. Can't you see how he's trying to control your every move now?
Your rationale for acting the way you did. Because you will be getting engaged to him and will be married to him in the following year. And you don't want to invite gossip by hanging out with me. So you did what you had to. Nobody forced you to make a decision. You chose this path.
You told me, "I hope you understand. I'm getting married. I just don't want to invite gossip."
I received a long text from you explaining your actions. (it's about time)
"Our friendship between a boy and a girl is probably difficult right now."
"I did mean to see you. I did mean to call and sms you. Why didn't I? Cos I was afraid of your reply."
All of these are just excuses. Let's just face the fact. You are just ashamed to be seen with me. Am I that disgusting of a person? We tried ways to keep in contact with you but you kept pushing us away time and again. It's tiring to play this game.
You even distanced yourself from my sister, the best friend that you had since 10 years ago who was always there for you no matter what. The one, whom always lent a shoulder for you to cry on when you needed someone. Ridiculous.
You said we didn't understand you. Did you even took the time to explain to us? You called us your bestfriends but were you acting like one towards us? The answer is No. You never tried.
Remember the bead bracelet that you gave me 9 years ago on friendship day? Yeah. So it snapped and finally broke into pieces. Our friendship probably did too. I was so depressed I told you about it. And ended up buying a new one that looks exactly like it but it was different. It didn't fit my wrist perfectly. It was a tad too tight at times. I realised that these are the kind of things that you can't just replace with something new.
Like our friendship. You'll never be able to find another friend like me. Sure, your soon-to-be husband will have taken our friendship away from us. But there's some things that he will never get to take. He can have you. He can be with you in the many years to come. But try as he might, he'll never be able to take the past 9 years of friendship that we shared together.
I could have replied, "I hope you understand too that you are now in the same category of friends as (insert name here). Here's me letting go of our friendship. I no longer care or bother. You can do whatever you want because our friendship of 9 years now.. our friendship has finally expired."
Hope you have a nice life!
Labels: Daily Musings
After 2 months of not blogging at all.. And now I kinda miss it. I've gone back to Singapore and came back to Brunei. Reality starts sinking in the moment I came back. It all felt like just a dream that I was in Singapore a few weeks back. Was it even real? I keep pinching myself and telling myself that it was not just a dream.
I need my inspiration back.
Labels: Song Of The Moment
"Why is it okay for two girls to go to the toilet together but weird whenever two guys go to the toilet together?"
"Don't be gay. Go to the toilet yourself." is what they all will answer.
And then they'll start questioning your sexuality. Bullshit.
I used to be so scared of going to the toilet alone because of ghost stories that my friend would talk to me about.
She told me not to look up the ceiling when you're in the toilet because for all you know, "something" is up there. It spooked me.. for a while. And I'd always ask someone to accompany me to the toilet.
But this is not about me and my insecurities about going to the toilet alone. It's about gays and their stereotypes.
Fuck the society for brainwashing all of our mindsets into thinking that way.
In fact, society brought me up in such a way that if you're gay, your life is over. The humiliation and the insults that you'd have to put up with are sometimes too much to handle.
It's almost they created an instruction manual for gays.
1. Gays are not allowed to adopt a baby.
Because since straight couples raise straight babies, gay couples will raise a gay baby.
2. If you're gay, you're going to hell.
Look it up in the religions that we believe in.
3. You can't get married if you're gay.
Until now, only a few states around the world legalize gay marriages.
4. Gays are not allowed to donate blood.
This was the most ridiculous reason I found on the net. What? Because they have a gay blood and by taking their blood, you'll turn gay too?
5. If you're gay, you're not allowed to take up leadership roles in the army.
In fact, they segregate and put you in one corner like as if you have some kind of an incurable disease or something. Because they think gays are not as capable as straight people out there.
And the list goes on and on.
Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with two guys or ladies to fall in love with each other.
Why deny the right to love? Everyone deserves to love and be loved whether they're gay, straight or confused.
Stop being a busybody. It's their life. Who are you to deny them of their rights? If it disturbs you, there's absolutely no need to make a comment or whatsoever. Keep it to yourselves.
Gay marriages should be legalized everywhere because it's a way of showing off to everyone that the love between them is real and for other reasons the same as heterosexual couples.
Denying them the right to marry is like denying them the right to love. Take the first step and accept them into your lives because trust me, they're not leaving anytime soon.
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth