"Eh bapok dah datang."
(English Translation: Eh, the sissy is here.) was what they said whenever I came into the classroom or tried to sit beside them during our lunch break.
I said nothing.
Instead, I just laughed along with them and did my own thing.
They imitated the way I talked, the way I walked, the way I laughed, mainly my behaviour. I hated it so much. But I couldn't do anything or rather, I was too scared to do anything to defend myself. At the end of the day, it was them against me.
I guess they thought it was cool to call me that. Or maybe it was the right thing to do since everyone else called me names as well.
"Bapok" and "Sissy" were just one of the few degrading insults they had for me.
And I actually put up with it.
To be fair, I've had many pleasant as well as unpleasant memories back in primary school. I try not to think about them 'cos it's scary.. the thought of it. Evil memories.
I couldn't tell my parents. I mean, they couldn't do much. Okay, I was lying. Mainly because I overheard my dad talking about what a 'kedi' (also meaning 'sissy') I am. And I couldn't tell my teacher just because he/she can't be bothered and I'd imagine him/her telling me to stand up for myself. I only had myself.
It was quite a traumatising experience indeed, for me. Everywhere I went, people talked. I could never feel comfortable about myself.
Even when we had this buddy pairing system back when I was in primary one (we'd have buddies from primary 5 specially assigned to us for lunch and everything), my own buddy deserted me 'cos of what this other girl said about me.
And the girl happened to be my religious teacher's daughter. "You got partnered with Amirul? He's a bapok, you know?" she said to my older buddy and started laughing away. It was embarrassing.
The only friend that I was close to.. he got transferred to another school and I haven't heard from him ever since. I remember he'd bring food from home and share with me after looking at my pathetic lunch consisting of 2 nuggets, plain rice and soya sauce. He was the only one who didn't bother about what others said about me. I guess you could call him as my first true friend. And when he told me that he's leaving to another school, I cried for days. The only person that made me feel comfortable about myself.. left me to fight this losing battle all on my own.
Matters worsened as I moved on to the higher ranks of primary education. People talked about me and spread hate. I could clearly remember how this one idiot would tell everyone, "Don't talk to him, he's a sissy."
Worst of all, he sat in front of me during exams and his mouth would never stop talking bad about me. It was horrible.
I didn't want to go to school at all. I'd go to bed thinking about what would happen to me the next day. I never felt safe. Sometimes, I'd pretend to be sick or come up with an excuse to skip school just for the day.
The worst happened as I was in the toilet, relieving myself and he was there shouting,
"Stop looking at my dick, you sissy!"
when he was clearly adjusting his hair and looking at an opposite direction away from mine.
Everyone laughed at me. I was so humiliated. Wherever I went, I'd have eyes all over me, judging me from top to bottom. They'd whisper to each other, I know it's about me. But I ignored them as much as I could but there's only so much that I could ignore.
Once school ended that day, tears started forming in my eyes and I ran all the way home from school without stopping. I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I didn't know what he'd do the next day to me. It was scary.. like as if I was the leading actor starring in a horror film.
History sorta repeated itself when I was in secondary school and polytechnic. But by then, I managed to handle them so much more professionally. Humiliate me, sure calling me gay, bapok or sissy is funny, but I'll definitely insult and humiliate you until you shed tears from your eyes.
Revenge is definitely sweet. I've splashed a whole bottle of ice lemon tea to a girl's face, hair, t-shirt just because she couldn't stop slapping my face and calling me bapok whenever she saw me. I know the ants enjoyed it. She pushed me against the wall and we went in a small fight involving some hair pulling and more face slapping.
And even during PE lessons (my favourite lesson, actually) I'd purposely throw basketballs one after another to people's faces (those who talked shit about me) and making it seem like it's an accident. In your face, bitches.. and I mean literally.
If only they knew what I went through: A whole decade of getting bullied by other people. I've had enough of it actually. If they can't accept me for who I am, then I wished they'd just keep their mouth shut and their opinions to themselves.
I'm glad that phase of my life is over now. I've had enough. It took a lot of guts and courage for me to actually write this down. Thinking about it just makes my heart palpitate with terror. It was frightening and I never want to go through what I went through all over again.
I know there are boys or even girls out there who get bullied probably for the same reasons as I got bullied. And those are the people I'd definitely want to help, if ever given the chance one day.
Was there anyone who made your life hell?
Labels: 30 Days Of Truth